Energy, or, the lack of it.

I am tired. and have been, for what feels like weeks but i know can't be more than 2. Today i got a refusal from the one person who I ever spoke to about a job...and i am still needing to call back a lot of employers to follow-up. apparently, following up is the secret to success in the search for a job. I knew this before. But I hate calling people, especially people who have power over my life. It is so stressful. I don't have any energy anymore. I think it is all being sapped by anxiety. I went rock-climbing on Sunday and could only climb one route - rated a 1 out of 6 and it somehow destroyed me. It was at Bump City, where they randomly have quite a big wall. about 60 ft tall by 200 ft wide. maybe wider. I'm a bad judge. the problem was that (aside from my general exhaustion) about 16 out of the 18 different sections of wall where overhangs, and the bits that were not were very narrow bits indeed. overhangs mean you have to use your arms only for a bit of wall - something I have limited capacity with. My style has always been very technical and leg-heavy, and their routes were very non-technical and arm-heavy. It ended poorly. I was so exhausted I ended up not going to church. I was going to go home, but Esther invited me to see Up, which was really good. other people have said bad things about it, and it certainly was not what I was expecting, but I think that the people who have complained are the kind of people who can't stand to feel bad at a movie. I think that's a character flaw.

it's been especially hard to have Emily gone. I struggle with feeling alone. or misunderstood. or somewhat of a failure.

I always swore I wouldn't ever work fast food. well, I have now applied at 2 McDonald's, and probably some more to come. I decided McDonald's was the most classy of fast food locations, and so it is my choice. IRONY LOL.

I am mostly sad and mostly not excited for going to either worlds of fun this saturday nor canoeing next weekend.

Hopefully McDonald's will take me.