still waiting for my financial aid package from Mizzou.  I've been waiting for three weeks now.  i feel like a little kid, tugging at his mothers skirt saying he wants it now, mommy, now!  because i really do.

it's very hot today.   I don't think out air conditioning is on.  I am a bit sweaty.  mostly the sticky kind of sweaty before it actually becomes drips.  grosss.

this week is insane.  I have so much to do.  planning the canoe trip (which i am once again excited for) cleaning my room spic and span so that my parents' friends can stay in it while i am on the trip, doing my math homework before i go on my trip, and calling back potential employers (I would go do that now, but our phones are really quiet for some reason).  

I'm excited for canoeing! I am tired of my stupid math class.  it's a bunch of work and takes up all my evening time.  I am not going to take a summer class ever again, that is for sure.

back to canoeing.  we're going to be out all weekend, and i'm suupa excited.  i think it'll be really fun, we've done so much planning and work, i'm really hoping it all pays off.  today I'm going to finish my math homework and then go over to adam's around 2:30 to check on it, and then we'll go to costco before i have to go to class. (dumb class always gets in the way of shit.)

okay, have to run.

Energy, or, the lack of it.

I am tired. and have been, for what feels like weeks but i know can't be more than 2. Today i got a refusal from the one person who I ever spoke to about a job...and i am still needing to call back a lot of employers to follow-up. apparently, following up is the secret to success in the search for a job. I knew this before. But I hate calling people, especially people who have power over my life. It is so stressful. I don't have any energy anymore. I think it is all being sapped by anxiety. I went rock-climbing on Sunday and could only climb one route - rated a 1 out of 6 and it somehow destroyed me. It was at Bump City, where they randomly have quite a big wall. about 60 ft tall by 200 ft wide. maybe wider. I'm a bad judge. the problem was that (aside from my general exhaustion) about 16 out of the 18 different sections of wall where overhangs, and the bits that were not were very narrow bits indeed. overhangs mean you have to use your arms only for a bit of wall - something I have limited capacity with. My style has always been very technical and leg-heavy, and their routes were very non-technical and arm-heavy. It ended poorly. I was so exhausted I ended up not going to church. I was going to go home, but Esther invited me to see Up, which was really good. other people have said bad things about it, and it certainly was not what I was expecting, but I think that the people who have complained are the kind of people who can't stand to feel bad at a movie. I think that's a character flaw.

it's been especially hard to have Emily gone. I struggle with feeling alone. or misunderstood. or somewhat of a failure.

I always swore I wouldn't ever work fast food. well, I have now applied at 2 McDonald's, and probably some more to come. I decided McDonald's was the most classy of fast food locations, and so it is my choice. IRONY LOL.

I am mostly sad and mostly not excited for going to either worlds of fun this saturday nor canoeing next weekend.

Hopefully McDonald's will take me.

my days, in rapid prose:

tuesday: was going to help clean out pool and apply at target, but did neither. felt pretty against being productive. went to adam's and ate some delicious (but way too big) mushroom stuffed ravioli that michael primarily made (although we helped) with a subprime gruyere sauce. the recipe needs some editing, but i think next time we decide to make it, it'll be way more delicious. ben, tim, mike, adam and I all went to the park late at night and smoked their new-old tobacco pipe, even though it was soaking wet because it had stormed off and on all day. fun times.

wednesday: helped my mom clean out the pool, for real. it smelled bad and bucketing out water was tiring. but less bad than i had anticipated. improvements on last year's cleaning: no 100,000s of worms, no 1,000,000s of tadpoles, and finally, no dead bird floating in the pool! just a bunch of algae this time. then, went and got my haircut (shorter in the back, same length in the front) and went to my second algebra class. was 15 minutes late because my mom was slow leaving louisburg. was very irritated by her friend who no one likes. ended the evening watching New in Town, which was actually very funny.

thursday (today): going to go apply for jobs, run, and hang out with adam etc.

Today, I woke up at 5am to take my dad to the airport. on my way back, I brought adam, weber, ben and mike some donuts - I dropped them off around 6:45am, and got back in bed to sleep at about 8am. The weird thing about taking my dad to the airport is how while i'm doing it I hate it, but later, I forget how much it sucks. it becomes kind of unreal. anyway, after that 3 hour cut from my sleep schedule, I awoke around 2pm.

Today was the first day I got to see Ben since he got back from the UK. It sounds like he did way too much singing and not enough sight-seeing while there, but he did bring back a very cool image of Alice in Wonderland, where Alice is talking to the caterpillar about how she's not sure who she is. it's about 8 inches large and very nicely, brightly colored and framed and apparantly came from the same pub that J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, and Carroll all hung out and had drinks at. Michael bought my belated birthday present today, (or rather, yesterday, as Murry's was closed today): A Half-Gallon of One Drunk Monk (my favorite ice cream). I am happy beyond words. Somehow, he managed to get them to sell it to him on May 31st, because they are closed on Mondays and Tuesdays (which are the 1st and 2nd this month) even though they aren't supposed to get it out until the first of the month. Murry's has Museum hours. Seriously. The Nelson is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays. It is sooo exciting to have so much of it... at my disposal... I'm going to have to go running. I feel like the end of this last paragraph was a bit ADD.

Today was also the first day of my summer algebra class. It looks promising, considering my teacher has a very similar teaching style to Lampen, my high school math teacher and the only good math teacher I've ever had. I'm going to take notes for the class (someone is registered with disability services) and I get paid $50 to do it, which is pretty tight, seeing as I was planning on taking really good notes and coming to every class anyway. I'm also realizing just how much algebra I've forgotten (boo), and how much I remember (yay). I'm terrible at factoring. I always have. It is the bain of my existence that has always stood between me and an A in my algebra classes. Everything else, i'm quite good at, but for some reason I'm terrible at factoring. I hate it. And of course, that's what we reviewed first.

Now, I guess I had better start on that math homework. fuck.

The weekend

Friday, I went to see Gogol Bordello at the Beaumont Club with Adam, Michael and Al. The Beaumont is a really loud venue, and so once I came in I once again regretted not having bought earplugs for concerts (something I've been meaning to do for a year or so) and so I went to the restroom (which smelt very well sterilized - almost like someone had just thrown bleach on everything and then given it a good rubbing) and rolled up make-shift toilet-paper earplugs. They worked out really well, as afterward, everyone complained of being slightly deaf and my hearing was as good as it had been before.

I got dressed ready for a mosh pit, and was not disappointed. the crowd was insane. As soon as Gogol got up on stage, everyone started jumping and pushing everywhere. We lost Michael pretty quickly after the crowd got rowdy, and Al a bit later, but I kept tight with Adam the whole time. Somehow I managed to make it to third from the front by the time the encore came. It was my first mosh pit, and pretty crazy. I almost lost my glasses at one point. I was really tempted to go crowd-surfing, even; the energy was contagious. My only disappointment was that I had no cash (I paid the $2 minor fee for everyone) to buy a T-shirt. I'm hoping Ben will go this next weekend when there is another show.

Saturday, I drove my mom out to Clinton Lake (which is on the western side of Lawrence). We met my dad there (he had already camped out the night before) and then went to the beach to meet some of my family friends. The sand was hot; My feet were sore for the rest of the day. The lake itself was nice and cool, but there were a lot of people there and my mom forgot her suitcase, so I had to loan her my swimsuit - so I didn't get to swim, just wade. After, I drove back to Adam's house and we went to our belated anniversary dinner at Lidia's, a brilliant Italian restaurant in the crossroads district. I got linguine with a meat sauce and Adam got mushroom-stuffed ravioli. Both were delicious. We had coffee, Ice cream, and lemon-cake for dessert. Afterward, we met Becca and Tim at Adam's house to watch Pineapple Express (funny, but probably traumatic if high was the consensus) and to smoke a little hookah afterward. It was altogether, a very nice night. Adam even bought me a coke glass at CVS! it was only a dollar, but super cool (and actually glass), so I'm pretty excited about it.

Today I've spent mostly looking at job-postings on craigslist. Tonight Ben gets back from the UK, so I'm going to go up at 7 to see him and Adam. There was one job-listing I think I could easily get - working a kiosk (money-handling seemed to be a prime factor) for the summer. I emailed in response, so hopefully I'll get a positive response.

The First Day

So, today was the First Day that Emily was gone.  Last night, driving home was sad.  I tried not to think of all the reasons I will need her here to counterbalance the boys.  Went to The Decemberists concert last night, and it was fantastic.  Girls in crazy costumes, and a battle between Lawrence of Arabia and the Arab Sultan with the cavalry and whatever you call Arabs on camels.  All conducted in the middle of the crowd, with the Sultan a mere 5 to 8 feet away from me, and myself as a Camel carrying Emily.  The only downside was a stupid drunk girl who thought it was okay to insult me for asking her and her friends to be quiet during the show.  but they were the kind of people who crowd-pushed and so were soon not so near to me and the evening went on splendidly.

I feel like as if all of my good-byes are conducted outside of Adam's house.  Emily and I had parked there to pick up a jacket of hers I had left there, so we said good-bye in the street in front.  I keep on thinking, well, Emily doesn't like to swim anyway.  Ha! my one consolation.

Today was rather dull.  I hadn't really made any plans other than some tentative ones to see Wolverine with Adam in the afternoon (to avoid the weekend and evening pricing)  but he ended up being busy with work and then couldn't hang out in the evening so I just stayed in and watched too much TV and finished Sons and Lovers (by DH Lawrence).  I wouldn't recommend it.  Certainly not my favorite.  But it kept my attention so I read it while I had nothing better to do, which turned out to be a lot of time this week.  I think I'll begin re-reading cannery row for the fourth time now.

I just hope things start being more safe and reliable and good and less stressful and lost and mean.  And reading Sons and Lovers did not help me to begin feeling lest lost, unfortunately.

Tomorrow night is Gogol Bordello, so that should be quite exciting.

Hi friends,
I just created a blog so I could follow other people more easily. And I guess I might do a little blogging myself? Goodness, I haven't had a blog since...I forgot the name of the website. That long. Although, I may keep one up just for Emily's sake while she's in Spain. If I can remember. And I don't get bored. We shall see. I do like my title, so that's something.

So, I'm looking for a job, and although I haven't actually handed in any applications, I feel like I've already failed, like I've been searching for ages unsuccessfully, and like I just won't find a job. It's strange, because on Tuesday, I was thoroughly confident in the possibility of finding one. I have good grades, I'm competent, I have good recommendations. Why shouldn't I get hired? Oh, yeah, employers don't like to hire people just for three months. shit.

That's it for today. I may come back later when Emily has left for Spain so she can know how things are going. And, in revenge, I may write some of it in French. HA!